


Lunafics

by TextileTown



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Comedy, Light-Hearted, Mild Sexual Content, One Shot Collection, Other, Pizza, Sex Education, Television
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23285764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TextileTown/pseuds/TextileTown
Summary: A collection of one shot adventures that follow the girls of Luna Nova as they navigate the sometimes saucy and embarrassing hazards of not only being teens, but witches as well.Latest story (Chapter 5)...Miss Stressed CavendishCool, calm and collected, Diana always has a plan. So when the very simple task of substitute teaching a class comes along, she can only ask herself why everything seems to be going horribly wrong.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 32





	1. Hex Education

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akko and a sex education class...what could go wrong?

Professor Ursula Callistis placed the last of the green discs of enchanted putty on the desks and made her way down the steps to the large table at the front of the lecture room. Placing her palms on the ancient wood she closed her eyes and ran through the lesson in her head, soon her mind wandered to her first year teaching at Luna Nova and a nervous meeting in the Headmistress' office. Eager to please she had promptly agreed to the proposal and now here she was years later about to give another sex education lesson to a bunch of girls, half of whom she was sure had more experience with the opposite sex than she did.

The door opened and Ursula quickly twisted in an attempt to rest nonchalantly against the table as the student witches entered. The last pupil to arrive was Akko Kagari who looked like she had been awake for three straight nights. When asked if she was all right, Akko started to explain her nocturnal work tracking down an intruder to the school, Ursula said she could have the whys and wherefores later and Akko headed to join her friends.

Trying her best to quell the Vesuvius of chatter erupting in the room Ursula began “Good Morning Class...now...err as you're aware this is the first of three lessons of sexual education”. As expected there was giggling from all the girls except the imperious Diana Cavendish who thought humour was very much other peoples business and Akko who was too sleepy to pay much attention to anything. “Now” Ursula continued “I like to start with...errr...a practical exercise. Please leave the equipment in front of you until I ask you to use it”. With that Ursula pointed to the disc of green putty on the front desk and accompanied by a wave of her wand said the magic words “Erectus Phallusicus”. The putty formed into a very life like ten centimetre male thingy standing to attention. With the girls focused on a class as never before Ursula magically projected a large image of the thingy on the blackboard behind her and started a well rehearsed anatomy talk.

On one of the higher rows, Sucy grinned, turned to her friends and quipped “Smutty putty”. Lotte did not hear as she was transfixed by the lecture and Akko was once again on the verge of slumber. Her weary head slowly falling backwards and sleepy mouth opening wider and wider. Professor Ursula snapped “Akko!” bringing the tired girl back from the cusp of sleep and causing her to yelp “1772!” in answer to an imagined question. “Please pay attention Akko this is important for your safety. As I was saying this is the head and this is the shaft”. Soon Akko's eyelids grew heavy and the instruction coming from the front of the class once again began to barely breach her consciousness. 

The rest of the class paid close attention as Ursula commenced her demonstration of the application and purpose of a rubber sheath. She removed a sheath from its wrapper and delicately rolled it over the green thingy in front of her. Then with one hand on the base of the thingy her other slid gently up and down the shaft “Now girls we don't want you to have any surprises with the real thing, so as you'll observe with sufficient stimulation the...”

The demonstration was of little interest to Sucy, as she already had a mushroom for every occasion and so her attention returned to Akko. A stealthy hand moved towards Akko's ear followed by a flick to an unsuspecting earlobe. Akko twitched and half-awake turned to see what was happening. Sucy took her chance “Akko, you need to do the spell”. Akko nodded and raised her wand, holding it until Sucy prompted “Monsterio Phallusicus” Akko promptly repeated the phrase and waved her wand. The putty in front of her started to pulse, interesting Akko enough to stop her dozing off immediately. She watched as Sucy's putty slowly wobbled and leaped through the air and merged with Akko's putty. Anticipating what would happen next both girls turned to Lotte as the same thing happened to hers. Then the first disc of putty flew across the room, then the next and then a flock of them flew to merge with the putty in front of Akko as the other students ducked for cover. From the conglomeration of putty a single thingy started to form. 

As it grew, flashing through Akko's mind was the inevitable summoning to the Headmistress' office, which would be embarrassing enough, worse though it was sure to end with some horrendous punishment. Akko acted and waved her wand to dispel the magic, a second and third attempt quickly followed, before she could try a fourth she heard Diana say “Stop Akko you're making it worse”. From anyone else she may have listened, from her rival there was no chance and she made her fourth attempt to stop it. The commotion drew Ursula's attention away from her increasingly vigorous demonstration and she joined the rest of the class in staring agog at the two meter thingy that now loomed in front of Akko. 

The unmistakable voice of Sucy teased “Good job Akko” causing Akko to turn and glare at her devilish friend. She soon noticed that Sucy's face was suddenly turning even more pale than usual. Akko slowly turned to see the thingy bending downwards towards them to reveal rows of jagged teeth protruding from the slit at the top. The other girls in the glass began to run for the classroom door amid shrieks and cries for help. The great green thingy turned and looked like it was going to attack. With her usual disregard for her own well-being Akko jumped on her seat and then leapt on the thingy, apparently trying to subdue it with a strangle hold. The thingy ignored the girl grappling it and bounded across the desks coming to rest in front of the door and barring the exit. Akko had wrapped her legs around the thingy to stop herself falling off and she continued to hold and struggle with the thingy as its toothy top bent to snap at the terrified witches. 

Ursula called to Akko “Be careful Akko, if you get off I can stop it”. Akko's reply was resolute “I'll stop it or my punishment will be much worse...how is this thing still breathing when I'm suffocating it? This is its head right? Maybe...if I try...further up”. After giving many demonstrations Ursula knew when a thingy was about to splurge and with Akko energetically squirming all over it she could predict what was about to happen. She tried to warn the girls as quickly as she could. It was too late. The thingy splurged high in the air. Splurge after splurge. Some girls managed to cover their head with their arms, a few hid under their desks, whatever they did it was impossible to escape. Only Akko positioned as she was behind it was unscathed. After the splurging stopped the thingy rapidly lost its teeth and become altogether more flaccid. Akko gulped as she surveyed the multitude of girls dripping with splurge and processing the last few minutes of their lives.

In the Headmistress' office later that day Akko Kagari stood in her usual place in front of the desk as Ursula stood by her side and addressed the Headmistress “Miss Holbrook, if I may speak in Miss Kagari's defence. Although far from the planned lesson, I believe it did thoroughly illustrate to the girls the need for the rubber sheath”. The Headmistress nodded and Ursula continued “I'm also confident that the trauma will mean most, if not all, of the students are very receptive to the new class on same-sex relationships I've planned for next week”. Akko turned to Ursula and asked worriedly “Will there be putty for that class?”. Ursula replied reassuringly “No, I thought I'd get you girls to partner up instead”. Miss Holbrook nodded and said enthusiastically “What a splendid idea”. 

And it was.......the end.


	2. New Moon High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A television series inspired by Luna Nova...what could go wrong?

None of them had been to a business meeting before, or a boardroom, or a sky scrapper. Diana lead the way out of the lift in a business suit her mother had worn, shoulder pads and all. Akko, Lotte and Amanda followed in the best grey and black items they could manage. Last out was Ursula who was poured into a knee length dress that seemed to have met with a fabric shortage when it reached the bosom – something she said would aid contract negotiations.

They did not have to wait long in the reception before an intern appeared to usher them to the meeting. He was unpaid, but greeting the famed Luna Nova Lovelies was recompense enough for three months of toil. 

The five witches entered a room with high windows and a view of the nation's capital stretched out below. “Ladies!” boomed a thick-set man who looked like sweating was not just a hobby, it was a passion. He offered his meaty had to each in turn until he reached Lotte.

“Miss Yansen”

“Jansson” she corrected

“Miss Jansen?” 

“Jansson” she repeated

“Lotte, isn't it, may I call you Lotte?”

Miss Jansson nodded and they joined TV executives, writers, producers and so on, sitting around the large oval table. The man who had met them was a big shot in the world of television and head-honcho on the forthcoming series New Moon High. He opened the meeting “Great to have you ladies as prospective executive producers on this project. It will be a bold modern vision of a group of witches and their adventures at New Moon High School. As you're aware from the confidentiality agreement the story we want to tell is entirely fictional and not based on anyone alive or dead.”

He paused as four witches nodded and Ursula who sat next to him leaned over and said “We're very very grateful to be here as representatives of the Nine New Witches and I'm sure you'll find we all have different talents to offer”. She then ran a sultry finger up and down the cool glass of water in front of her – contract negotiations had started.

The head-honcho wiped his brow with a handkerchief, took a deep breath and thanked her. More forehead moping was then needed as Ursula, sitting as she was right next to him, inclined her head backwards to reveal a pristine neck that distended as three gulps of water passed down it, followed by a darting tongue to collect any residue left on her lips – that, she thought, should be enough for a week or two by the Mediterranean.

After a considerable pause, where he cursed himself for being a late comer to the Shiny Chariot craze, the head-honcho continued “Let me hand over to our head-writer to give a broad strokes synopsis of the show”. 

The head-writer wore thick glasses on a hungover scowl. He coughed and then began to go through details on a page in front of him. “OK, the show is what we usta call a hybrid, episodic wit'a big freakin' bang at the end, ya get me? Anyways we got three main characters and some others who come and who go, ya get me? OK, we got Lady Emmeline Pentagram, real stuck-up posh English dame, maybe Scottish we ain't sure yet, anyways she's up in people's business and gay as Dia...”. 

He paused realising a certain blonde haired beauty was actually in the room, “d-affodils...gay as daffodils, it's gonna be one of them there diversified shows, ya get me?”

“Excuse me” Diana's crisp interruption drawing all attention to her “correct me if I'm wrong, you did say these characters are not based on real people?”. A well-fed man in a expensive suit spoke-up “Yes, all similarities are completely coincidental”. Diana raised a moderately severe eyebrow, a quiet evening on Tuesday would be ample to master commercial law and check all was above board.

Akko's hand then popped up “Is there anything to eat?”. Head-honcho indicated a bowl of fruit in the room to the intern who proceeded to place several items in front of Akko like offerings to a goddess. “Please could you give me a banana too sweetie” cooed Ursula. He obliged, trying very hard to not look down the forbidden valley beneath him, but not hard enough to succeed.

Ursula turned to the head-honcho and in hushed tones said “I thought I might get the urge for something like this later on”. Proceeding to gently stroke the formerly innocent yellow fruit – hopefully paying for her summer holiday to the Caribbean.

Sadly for many of the men Akko's ferocious eating of her banana was no reward for the carefully delicate, almost sensual peeling, attention therefore returned to the head-writer. “OK, so we got the posh broad, next we got Takagi Tokyo, she's a hot piece of pie from Japan. She's a rough tough street fighting witch and Lady Pentagram wants to get her between the sheets, but Tokyo's gonna need some convincing, ya get me? Last is...”. He was cut off by an insistent hand waving in the air “Yeah young lady, ya gotta question?”.

“Yeah” Akko confirmed “will she be able to fly on a broom?”

The head-writer scratched his head and ran a finger along the character synopsis “Yeah sure” and was met by a broad grin from across the table.

“As I was sayin' last is Lucy Von Love” he paused to take a deep breath “OK, she's a mechanical whizkid who gets up to no good with potions and summons spirit warriors, I mean there's a bunch of other stuff; what we usta call a utility character. She's a real sizzler and got a new gal on her arm each episode, ya get me?” 

Lotte raised her hand and said “Yes I think I do. You mentioned an over arching narrative?”

“Yeah, you're a smart cookie”, the head-writer moved his finger down the page. “Yeah so there's this rival school, a boys school, the head boy, Rex Raul-Conquest, has the hots for the Tokyo girl, so we gots one of those love triangle things, ya get me?” 

“Sounds about right” complained Diana under her breath.

“I mean that's basically it” the head-writer continued “we'll, ya know, adds some magicals, ya get me?”.

Lotte was somewhat disappointed by this, especially as fresh in her memory was her three hour discussion with Barbara the night before on Nightfall volumes 174 to 178 being an allegory for the socialist critique, of the Marxist critique, of literary criticism. Taking her opportunity she asked “Is there any deeper meaning?” 

“Yeah, we gots one of those, ya see it's about the empowering of women in, ya know, witchcraft, ya get me?” the head-writer said.

“Does that make sense? All witches are women” Lotte asked before rapidly being countered by Akko “I like it! I think being a girl really held me back when I started at Luna Nova”.

“Great, I knew ya were a smart cookie kiddo” praised the head-writer, much to Akko's delight.

An elegant hand rose and rosy lips asked “I don't suppose there are any prominent teacher characters?”. The head-honcho threw a probing look towards the head-writer, one that said there had better be. Luckily the head-writer had junior writers he could pass the buck to and incur the head-honco's potential wrath. 

A diligent underling picked up the notes and read out “One of the teachers acts as a mentor to the three main characters, she was the mixed magical arts world champion, Pennyfarthing Flamestar, all three girls idolize her, however for mysterious reasons she has assumed a new identity as Doctor Lynn Cognito to teach at the school”. The young man concluded and looked around the room for a reaction. 

The reaction came from Ursula “Oh my that does sound like an interesting original character. I have two questions, firstly, how does she hide her identity?”. The writer looked round for help from his colleagues and when none came he answered “Err, as I said she changes her name...and dyes her hair?”

“Yes that does sound like all that's really necessary to be unrecognisable. Wouldn't you agree girls?” Ursula said turning to look at Diana and Akko, who suddenly felt very hot under the collar. 

“My second question is does she have a love interest? Perhaps a strapping young rugby player or hunky fireman?”

The junior writer swallowed nervously “...err there is a love interest yes, it's the headmistress of the boys school, Lady Ally Goraix”.

Ursula's hair seemed to grow a brighter red as she stood and squished the unfortunate banana in front of her, much to the head-honcho's dismay, “Why does everyone think witches are all lesbians? Some of us need a man!”

Another writer jumped in to pacify her “We don't, we don't, in fact by the end of the series Takagi Tokyo is one hundred percent straight, having...got acquainted with Rex the head boy, they get married in the final episode”.

Amanda stood up “Turned straight, come on we're leaving!” 

A few minutes later the lift reached the ground floor and the grumbling witches moved swiftly towards the building's exit. 

“All that wasted flirting to butter him up” complained Ursula bitterly.

“It's ridiculous who ever heard of witches turning straight” fumed Amanda.

Diana flicked her hair dismissively, took Akko's familiar loving hand and said “Really, what else should we have expected from Hanbridge Television Productions...Andrew has always been a sore loser ”. 


	3. Disexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to a pizza restaurant...what could go wrong?

“Are you sure it's all you can eat?” Akko asked her room-mates as they lead the way to the pizza restaurant ahead of their other friends.

“Yes I'm sure Akko, I checked when I booked the table” responded Lotte, admirably covering up her annoyance at the fifth repetition of the question that morning.

“Good,” Akko said narrowing her eyes and lowering her voice, “I'm ready to beat my secret eating rival today”.

“You're as much eating rival to Jasminka as you're magic rival to Diana” said Sucy dismissively and getting the hoped for pouting annoyance from Akko.

“Just watch, I've planned it out. If I have slices from pizzas with different toppings it will take me ages to feel like I've eaten a whole pizza” Akko said with a quick glance over her shoulder to check Jasminka was not eavesdropping on her genius.

“That could be your best plan yet” Sucy said with enough enthusiasm for the sarcasm to sail straight over Akko's head.

“It's certainly original” Lotte added trying to support her friend, encouraged by the belief that a full belly would cushion her inevitable defeat.

From a little distance behind Diana strolled happily along watching the animated movements of the little witch who she found more and more enticing each day. 

“Penny for ya thoughts?”

Diana jumped a little at the voice of Amanda suddenly joining her. As usual when Amanda got close to her the butterflies started to flutter. She lusted after Akko and craved Amanda without knowing the first thing of what to do about it.

“Oh nothing really I'm thinking about a paper I read on astrophysics and ley line mechanics in the new era” Diana said hoping the subject would prevent further questioning.

“Oh yeah, I've got a different ass on my mind?” Amanda said in an attempt to get a rise.

“I'm sure I have no idea what you mean” Diana replied with haughty disregard and reddening cheeks. 

Further embarrassment was saved by the group's arrival at the pizzeria and the proceeding jumble to get seated at the table. Akko's transparent attempt at gamesmanship rapidly drew attention towards her.

“So Jasminka,” Akko said loudly, “you super hungry today? I'm not really...probably just have a few slices”.

Jasminka pondered a short while “No Akko, I'm normal hungry today”.

“I see, in that case let's go and get started”.

All of those around the table soon worked out what was going on, except Diana whose esteem for Akko often obscured the motives for her behaviour. It gave the rest some enjoyment to see Akko's valiant efforts, alas nothing would allow the faintest hope of victory against the relentless appetite of her rival. The folly of the challenge was laid bare when, returning to the table with another plateful, Jasminka cautioned Akko against eating too much lest she get sick. This advice created a burst of laughter from the group, 

“Give up Akko, you'll never beat Jasminka” Sucy intoned with dark glee.

“Oh Akko, were we having a competition? Let me know next time and it'll be fun” Jasminka said with such kindness that it utterly crushed her competitor's last shred of hope. Akko collapsed on her seat, head lulling backwards, mouth flopping open permitting the heavy breaths to escape. 

“I'm not entirely sure I've followed what has happened, why was Akko trying to eat more than Jasminka?” Diana asked Lotte who she expected to know Akko's motives best of all and receive the most sensible answer.

Sucy however was all too eager to reply “She dumb enough to think she's Jasminka's eating rival”. The statement produced a burst of laughter from Hannah and Barbara.

“That's so typical of her, trying to compete with the someone way out of her league” Hannah chaffed, “What other rivalries have you dreamed up Akko?” Barbara joined in.

Akko moved her head forward resulting in a out of control slumping, before rising like a lethargic phoenix to look around the table. Normally her rivalries were closely guarded secrets, with the food addling her mind and the annoyance of the jibes, the secrecy was forgotten.

“Lotte is my singing rival, Sucy sarcasm, Amanda broom riding, Constanze giant magic mechas, Hannah and Barbara being gay with my friends and Diana magic” Akko finished and resumed her flummoxed state.

All eyes had shot to Hannah and Barbara who were composing themselves, “What do you mean being gay, we're not gay” Hannah said vehemently, Barbara seamlessly co-opting the sentence, “boys adore us why would we be gay, not that Hannah isn't really pretty”. Hannah smiled and felt her thigh being caressed under the table.

Akko popped back to life, “All of you are gay,” a flailing hand seemingly indicating the entire group, “but only you two do it with a friend and that's why you're my gay with friends rivals”.

“What do you mean we're all gay” Lotte asked hoping her face was not too red.

Using her energy reserve Akko explained as follows; “Lotte gets asked out by a hot, rich boy and turns him down, Sucy didn't have one thought about boys in Sucyland...”

“You can skip me” Amanda said not wanting to hold things up for several hours.

Akko continued “Constanze is a mechanic and collects dungarees, Jasminka writes for Russian Pride magazine, half the school can hear Hannah and Barbara when they're together, see I'm not as dumb as I look”.

The group looked confounded that Akko knew it all, save for Diana who folded her hands on her lap, her eyes raised to inspect an interesting aspect of the ceiling that had escaped her notice up until that moment. A few more seconds passed as the architectural wonders above continued to fascinate her. There was a resumption of chatter and a slight throat clearing from Diana. Amanda started to joke about the earmuffs she had been forced to purchase to avoid hearing Hannah and Barbara's raucous couplings. 

“Ahem...” Diana half said, half coughed, before continuing in a disinterested manner “...and why do you suppose that I am a lesbian?” 

Attention turned to her and the girls started to show their appreciation for the joke with a mix of titters, guffaws and belly laughs. In the midst of her own laughter Akko was able to splutter; “You're not gay Diana”

“I'm not?” 

“You, no way” Akko managed to answer, “If you were gay every girl at school would spend all their time daydreaming about you”.

Sucy interjected “Or scheming to be with you”.

“You're so silly Diana,” Hannah added, “if you were gay Barbara and I would go mad, like really insane knowing you were so close to us at night, that is of course if we were gay, which we're not, or maybe only a little bit on weekends”. 

“Of course you just play hard to get with the boys” Barbara added followed by a little chortle.

“Man...you...gay, give me a break will ya, if you were gay I'd cry myself to sleep each night knowing there were the slightest chance of...” Amanda added until watery eyes stopped her continuing.

“Oh, oh I see,” Diana said, “me no of course I like boys, with their err... thingys”, Diana turned pale “please excuse me I feel unwell”, she then dashed to the ladies room followed by a concerned Barbara.

A few minutes later they returned. Before taking her seat Diana addressed the group “I'm sorry, I was overcome thinking of those dashing boys that I like so very much”.

Lotte spoke up “Its okay Diana, we all know how passionately you like boys”.

“So Akko, which one of us it top of your list for beating England and Parker at to-gay-therness” Amanda asked and waited for a response as there was a sudden nervous shifting of bums on seats. 

“I don't know, I guess to beat them I'd need to do it with two girls at the same time” replied Akko as her face scrunched up in thought.

“Or more than two,” added Lotte, “two would be the minimum”. 

“Yeah, but I think it would get confusing with three, so let's stick with two for now,” Akko looked round her friends with a judicious eye, “I guess Amanda makes sense cause she knows what to do”.

At this Amanda did a fist bump with Akko while announcing “The Virginator strikes again”.

“The second person is tricky, there's a good chance they'd be my first kiss,” Akko said as a little whimper escaped from Diana, “I'd really need to defeat my rivals, so they'd have to keep up with me and Amanda all night”. 

Akko finished and flicked her head round to see Diana producing a handkerchief to wipe away some tears, before apologising and explaining she had just remembered a boy who was very attractive in whatever way it was that boys are attractive. The arrival of deserts made Akko draw a line under things, stating she would consider and reveal her decision later.

On arrival back at Luna Nova, Akko explained that she could not decide and would therefore pick at random that evening and asked Diana, as she was impartial, to pull the name from the cauldron. The hour arrived and Akko and Amanda arrived at Diana's room. 

“You okay Diana?” Akko asked as soon as she opened the door, alarmed by her lack of colour.

“Oh yes quite well, do come in, just a little sad about something, I assure you it is nothing to worry about”.

Amanda and Akko entered, the former brining the small cauldron with her that would be used to choose the lucky third person. Akko's gayness rivals were sitting on the sofa and revelled in a quick bout of teasing. Akko ignored them and inquired if there was a place they could do the draw in secret.

“Don't worry, Avery invited us around to poker, and mean for poker” Barbara said as the two rose, “If we leave now we'll be a little early, but I'm sure she won't mind getting a hand or two in early”

Hannah added, “Don't wait up Diana, if Mary and Blair join in it could be an all-nighter”. The pair left with gay abandon and on previous form Diana did not expect to see them until following afternoon.

Never wanting to be a inattentive host Diana tried to perk up, and suggested the cauldron be placed on the coffee table and offered refreshments. The three sat down on the settees and Diana led off the conversation.

“I just pick out a piece of paper from inside?”

“Yeah, but before that, you know this has to be done in secret?” Amanda warned as she lent forward and bared her teeth in a menacing smile, “one hundred percent on the down-low”.

“I was not aware, however I will abide by your wishes as a Cavendish”

“I can't wait” yelped Akko.

With that Diana put her hand in and removed a folded slip of paper. Unfurling it she read out a “A” with a unsure look and suggested there was some sort of code for candidates to maintain the secrecy they were apparently keen on. 

“Err, no we do it differently back home, keep picking until you find a name” explained Akko.

Diana obeyed and removed a “N”, a “I”, another “A”. At this last one she felt her heart accelerate, that only increased at the roguish twinkle in the eyes across from her. There was a slight tremor in her hand as reached in for the final slip of paper, to her delight she found there was a D with red heart drawn on it. 

“What d'ya reckon, can you forget about boys for one night?” Amanda asked and was very happy with the answer.

* * * * * 

The next morning Diana woke up sandwiched between Akko and Amanda. Akko's athletic bum pressed against her, and her own perfect posterior nestled in Amanda's lap. Her waking was enough to nudge her friends to rouse. Amanda pulled Diana's body against hers and Akko shuffled around to face her two lovers. 

“Morning” Akko whispered brining her lips to meet Diana's and then with a little more effort Amanda's, “I knew you two would help me beat my rivals”.

“It was our very great pleasure” Diana said in a hushed tone, soon feeling the nibbles of Amanda on her exposed ear,

“What do you say Princess, could you survive another day without all those boys” Amanda asked teasingly with her mouth, as a finger started to tease elsewhere. 

“Can you keep a secret?” a soft murmur of assent encouraging Diana to carry on, “I'm not fond of boys, in fact I find them utterly unappealing”. 

“We don't believe you,” Amanda quickly retorted, “we're going to need a lot of convincing, isn't that right Akko?”

“Sooo much convincing” Akko replied with a truly gleeful face.

“Is that so, then perhaps we should start with some oral evidence” Diana said, before disappearing below the covers to start her very enthusiastic testimony.


	4. Brother Bother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hannah has to babysit her younger brother...what could go wrong?

Hannah was not happy with the situation, not one bit. Meeting her parents and brother in Blytonbury for lunch, after their visit to the Appleton open day, would have been bearable (equally not meeting them at all would have been fine). It was categorically the worst of all possible worlds for her to meet them and then have to babysit her brother while they visited some old friends. And worse than the worst of all possible worlds her mother had suggested she show Miles around Luna Nova. The thought was almost too awful to put into rational thought. 

She certainly would not be this selfish when she grew up and had children. She planned to follow in her mother's footsteps as a financial divination consultant. A lucrative profession if done well, or failing that, if you gave the appearance that you did it well. It had given her mother, as a young Ms Loegria, ample opportunity to find a man who earned tremendously well from moving semi-fictional sums of money from one place to another. She had settled on the very successful Mr England. Their combined income gave ample funds to keep a nanny on hand for her brother until he had left home. The fact her parents had not done this spoke of both their cruelty and stupidity, at least, Hannah consoled herself, she had inherited neither.

Of course her brother had been all too happy to deprive his sister of her precious Saturday and also gain an opportunity to tell tales for any perceived mistreatment. Walking down the corridor to her bedroom she regretted the many boasts that she had the best quarters in the school. How after that could she not show it to him? Failure to do so would incite endless accusations that she had lied, or it was messy, or whatever foolishness a twelve year old mind could produce. With trepidation Hannah opened the door. The best scenario would be everyone was out, sadly this was not the scene that revealed itself.

Sat around the coffee table were Barbara, Blair, Mary and worst of all Avery.

“My room, my friends – my brother” Hannah said by way of a whirlwind introduction before she hoped to close the door and head away from the embarrassment. She knew the plan would fail.

“Miles!” Avery exlaimed with a rapidity and enthusiasm that signalled to the others good times were ahead, “your sister never said you were visiting or I wouldn't have worn this old thing” she said moving over to meet the boy. The dress she alluded to was in fact one of her best (the school normally followed the philosophy that uniforms at all times avoided various problems with the girls, nevertheless mufti was allowed on a few weekends in the year to give those who wanted it a chance to vent their fashion sensibilities).

“I think it's a nice dress Avery” Miles said, hitting the mark and producing a wide grin as she zoomed over to the siblings and pressed the boy by the shoulder to lead him into the room. Not forgetting to broaden the grin ever so slightly behind Miles' back to show his sister that he was theirs now and any hope of retrieving him had best be forgotten.

Avery had met Miles at the England household and was well aware of his crush on her. An over protective father and the natural constraints of a life long eduction in all girls schools meant she felt deprived of opportunities for flirting with boys. Miles was a prime opportunity - despite, or more truthfully because, it would never lead anywhere. She was therefore all too happy to lead him to join the girls on the sofas.

“Let me introduce you, well you know Barbara,” Barbara gave a little wave, “And these are my room-mates Mary and Blair”.

“Nice to meet you” Miles said as he tried to keep his composure surrounded by his own harem of very attractive girls, all wearing clothes that showed enough skin to excite even the most phlegmatic of teenagers.

“And why have you come to visit me – I mean us today?” Avery said with a touch of the cute ditziness she thought boys would like.

“I went to see Appleton this morning and then...”

Avery had heard enough to be going on with and interjected “And then you wanted to see your sister and her best friends”. While this was going on Hannah shifted nervously as she stood behind one of the chairs. Her brother was also starting to look nervous and for relief glanced out to the balcony and the wide free sky beyond. 

“You want to see the view?” Avery said without needing an answer. Taking his hand, which she was surprised to find was a little clammy, she lead him outside to look over the grounds below. The immediate threat receded Hannah joined her so-called friends.

From the balcony Miles was not sure at first if what he saw was what he hoped he saw. The missile thing had been massive news and made witches really cool. There had been four shown on television, although his sister had explained three were essentially dead weight carried by her friend Diana. Diana was the most popular with his classmates, followed by Atsuko Kagari, the two who had appeared briefly at the beginning were less well known. As he looked down from the balcony he thought that it must be those two who were walking along, Lotte Jansson (who he had heard from Hannah 'unaccountably' acquired a tall, rich and good looking boyfriend, denting her allure for Miles) and his favourite – Sucy Manbavaran.

Avery was very attentive of her little beau and noticed immediately when his gaze fixed on the pair below. The betrayal was keenly felt. So Lotte was her rival in love, Avery could admit she had a homely appeal, and was petite like her, really it was only natural for Miles, young as he was, to compare the features he liked in a woman and ultimately conclude that Avery was cast from the most superior of moulds.

“Is that Sucy Manbavaran?” Miles asked with a degree of wonder in his voice that made the question even more terrible to the girl besides him.

Avery looked at Sucy, of course she knew it was Sucy, the shoulders hunched forward, the look of boredom and this was who caused Miles England's heart to flutter? It would never do, no never.

“Yes that's Manbavaran,” Avery said matter of factly, with a smile in the boys direction, “Miles is it me or have you been working out, you look kind of muscular” 

Miles had never received a compliment from a girl before and so it registered as a question. Most of his mental processing was employed in anticipation that he may spot the fabled unseen part of Sucy's face, the rumour being that her features possessed perfect symmetry and therefore would make any boy who saw her fall hopelessly in love. He played the question back to himself 'have you been working out'?

Without meeting Avery's gaze he replied, “I've started playing rugby, do you know Sucy?”

Avery fumed. Sucy was taking her cherished admirer away from her, taking him without either effort or encouragement. It was war. 

“My my,” Avery said as her hand squeezed Miles' biceps which finally induced him to face her again, “it's doing wonders for you...yes I know Sucy, I shouldn't say, but her breath stinks of mushrooms, poor girl, she eats so many of the things, no I shouldn't say...between you and me we've tried to mix a potion to remove the...no it's too embarrassing to tell you about that affliction, poor girl. What position do you play in rugby? I bet you're the star player, I'm I right?”

Avery's last question was followed by a coy dip of her eyes to the floor. She listened somewhat attentively to his talk of tries and conversions for a respectable couple of minutes as she grew conscious she had been out there with him for some time. Peeping back she saw Barbara, Mary and Blair watching them with wide eyed anticipation and Hannah sitting crossed armed appearing rather peeved with the whole situation. 

“That's amazing Miles” Avery said part way through his explanation of his tackling prowess, “Hannah will be annoyed I've taken you away from her”

“What, oh maybe - I don't mind”

She took his arm, fancying she felt a jump in his heart-rate to her great satisfaction. 

“When's the date?” Barbara asked the supposed betrothed as they entered, to which Miles looked somewhat bemused and Avery somewhat pleased.

“Sorry for hogging him ladies, now you'll have to tell us all your sister's best kept secrets Miles” Avery threatened.

Hannah was on her feet in seconds, grabbing Miles' free elbow while simultaneously boring a hole through Avery. 

“We're going” Hannah announced to the group.

“Bye Englands” came the joint farewell from the three sitting girls.

“Adieu” was Avery's lover's lament.

“Goodbye Avery” was Miles final words before the brother and sister entered the corridor and the door slammed behind them.

The following morning Sucy stirred her breakfast porridge, room-mates each side of her, when Avery appeared at their table in the cafeteria. She was looking very smug. “Better luck next time Manbavaran” were her only words. She left with a little hair flick and a distinct look of superiority. The three girls looked at each other shrugged and carried on with their meals. 

Avery strode away with tremendous ebullience in having defeated her rival with good grace and secured the affections of one of the England siblings. The success had invigorated the dying embers of hope in her lonesome heart. After all, if she could get Miles to choose her over Sucy then maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to draw Hannah's attention away from Amanda. 

The Cavendish clique were at the usual table and Mary and Blair sitting not far away. As always they saved her the seat with a view of Hannah. Avery settled down to a little day dreaming to start the morning and, with her new found confidence, who knew what wonders the day would bring.


	5. Miss Stressed Cavendish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool, calm and collected, Diana always has a plan. So when the very simple task of substitute teaching a class comes along, she can only ask herself why everything seems to be going horribly wrong.

The young ladies of Luna Nova did not know why the most mind-numbing subjects were always scheduled for Tuesday afternoons. The previous term's celestial geometry had set several of them on the road to boredom-induced madness. Finally, Contemporary Witch Sociology had broken the mould, not least as the teacher, a Miss Clay, focused almost entirely on sexual relationships in their rich and surprisingly diverse manifestations.

Half way through one of her lessons, Professor Finellan entered the classroom and beckoned Miss Clay over. After a whispered conversation, Finellan looked around the class and asked Diana to take over until they returned, giving the vague guidance of revising the current topic. With that, the classroom door shut and Diana descended with her notebook in hand to take charge. 

The class sat in still anticipation as the substitute teacher arrived at the lecturing platform and placed her book upon the large table. She flicked through the pages of beautifully crafted dragon script and placed her finger at the top of a passage. Unfortunately, in a very rare blonde moment, Diana had, instead of her notebook, brought to class the draft first volume of her debut novel 'The Samurai Maiden' - a historical tale recounting the passionate affair of an English Countess, who through various misfortunes, became the servant of a samurai's daughter.

To make matters worse Diana was not entirely sure what Akko had been doing, but she was being very distracting of late. Whatever it was, it had worsened during the past few lessons on lesbian relationships in contemporary witch culture, and resulted in Diana paying very little attention to anything in class apart from that particular little witch. Her current predicament of no notes and a hazy recollection of the lessons meant Diana would, in crude vernacular, have to 'wing it'.

“Miss” Amanda raised her hand high with an enthusiasm never seen before or since. A slight sigh from Diana singled she saw ill fated omens in the event. 

“Should we call you Mistress Cavendish?” Amanda asked with fabricated innocence.

“Miss Cavendish would be appropriate” Diana replied curtly.

“Mistress Cavendish it is” Amanda said brightly and slumped into a laid back posture that begged to be challenged.

Diana ignored the taunt and returned to her supposed notes. A willowy finger alighted on a newly written passage where the star-crossed lovers were lost in wintery mountains and forced to shelter in a cave, where the two maidens snuggled together for warmth. Flicking her eyes up Diana suddenly remembered there was a whole class watching.

From the depth of the left hand side of the classroom Wangari produced her microphone and literally broadcast, “The heavenly Diana is getting hot and flustered...stay tuned for more!” 

Diana stopped twirling her hair and instead pinched the bridge of her nose. With methodical deliberate steps she paced along the length of the table. Reaching the end she turned with military precision to face the class and was about to speak when she noticed Avery's raised hand. 

“Yes Avery, you have a question?” Diana asked, confident in the knowledge that the question would be sensible from a such a well mannered source. 

“Could we revise polyamory? I missed the last class, and well...I have an interest in it”

“Seconded” said Mary to her right.

“Thirded” said Blair to her left.

“Fourthed!” roared Amanda. 

The red haired rebel turned to shoot air kisses at Barbara and Hannah, causing them to scream and move to the far end of their bench. With such an invitation Amanda bounded over to their row and crept nearer and nearer to the screaming girls.

“Stop that!” Diana snapped, somewhat surprising herself at the volume.

Amanda pouted while lightly spanking her own bottom, “I'm sorry Mistress Cavendish I'm ready for my punishment.”

“Sadomasochism is not on the curriculum” came Diana's exasperated response.

“Actually Diana, I mean Mistress Cavendish it is on the curriculum” Diana looked round to see Chloé, very satisfied, and holding up an open copy of the textbook at the relevant chapter.

With Diana distracted, Amanda seized her opportunity and threatened Barbara and Hannah with a magically created whip, instantly raising shrill shrieks for help from the two girls. Diana's left eye started to twitch. 

Wangari resumed her commentary, “The icy exterior of Diana is starting to melt from the hot and heavy action, it can only...” 

“BE QUIET, everyone behave and just bloody well be quiet” Diana shouted and a hush fell on the room.

Sucy whispered to Akko, “Quick, stand up and ask the class who thinks Diana's cute when she angry.”

Akko leapt to her feet, “Everyone! Who thinks Diana is cute when she's angry?”

The entire class turned to look at Akko. They therefore failed to notice the look of profound surprise on Diana's face. Akko slowly sunk back into her seat and Diana managed to establish an aura of calmness before all eyes returned to her.

“Moving on...the topic of well, erm, same-sex, that is to say...any questions so far?” Diana said as the calmness rapidly vanished. She was thankful to see Jazminka's hand leave the packet of crisps and raise in the air.

“It involves a lot of eating, is that right?”

“Well in a sense, you are perhaps alluding to a certain feature of, that is to say...” Diana said stepping back, only to feel the hard desk blocking her retreat. 

Diana could sense that the sharks in the class could smell blood, it was not clear yet who it would be, it was certain one of them would attack. 

“Out of curiosity Mistress Cavendish,” Chloé asked unable to hide the elation at a rare goal against her rival, “if there was an oral exam on same-sex relationships, who would your perfect study partner be?”

Without fully knowing why, the question sent a chill through Diana. Her eyes lifted to the ceiling. The door, she thought, was nearby, running away would for some reason be less embarrassing than looking where she wanted to. The urge was getting stronger and stronger, maybe if it was quick no-one would see - she thought, she hoped, she prayed. The blue orbs moved from the ancient plaster work high above and rested for the smallest instant on Akko. It was long enough for the entire class to follow her gaze like a crowd at a tennis match. Akko looked around with a puzzled expression as the whole class stared at her, apart that is from Diana who stood glowing like a dying star at the front of the class.

“Diana Cavendish has the hots for the most successful failure in the history of Luna Nova, let's hear her reaction,” Wangari flicked her wand and appeared in a puff of smoke next to Akko, “Akko, what's your reaction to this unexpected development?”

“Eh?” Akko turned to Wangari wearing a mask of confusion.

Sucy grabbed the microphone, “She accepts, with a small dowry from the Cavendish family.” 

At that moment the door opened and Miss Clay returned, “Okay class settle down, settle down. Thank you Diana please take your seat.”

Diana walked up the stairs to the upper right hand section of the classroom, directly behind Akko. If she did not look at her no one would...

It was Amanda who started to hum the wedding march, the whole class needed no encouragement to take it up. Miss Clay was still getting used to the ways of the school and thought it some sort of fascinating ritual. Happy to let it play out, she turned to the open book on her desk and studied it until Diana took her seat, and attempted to regain some composure and dignity.

“Your notes are rather interesting Miss Cavendish, my dragonese is a little rusty, even so I can't say I'm familiar with the passages you're quoting: 'their quivering bosoms pressed in the bitter bite of the wolfish winter, the red eyes burning through the stoicism of her Japanese upbringing to scorch the English maiden's frigid skin' - where is that from?

Diana gripped the desk with hands that grew white from knuckle to finger tip. Her breath shallow and rapid. 

“Quick Akko,” Sucy snapped loud enough for those around to hear, “Diana's having a heart attack, give her mouth to mouth.”

To Diana, the approach of Akko's face played in slow motion. She could study every detail of Akko's determination, the way her eyes widened at the realisation that their lips would meet and then the peaceful acceptance that their fate was sealed. Then almost frame-by-frame the image grew blurred. Diana toppled to her left as she fainted and collapsed on to the bench. Akko obeyed her own special laws of motion, and as such was stopped by her skull crashing against the wooden headboard behind the bench.

Wangari was there is a literal flash.

“This is Wangari reporting live from the scene of a gay rights protest in the middle of Contemporary Witch Sociology, where the rebellious sprit of '69 is undeniably on display, here comes their teacher. Miss Clay, your comments?”

“I heard a thud, but oh is it a protest, that is excellent, I'm glad to see my class has really influenced the students here, carry on girls and well done!”

“And there you have it Diana Cavendish and Akko Kagari are out and proud.”

“Maybe we should move them, get them medical attention?” Lotte suggested timidly as Barbara and Hannah nodded in unison.

“Leave them” Sucy said with enough menace to scare away Barbara and Hannah and convince Lotte it would be a great deal of trouble to protest further.

“Woo, viva la revolution!” Amanda shouted as the finale before the curtain fell on the fun.

Akko woke-up half an hour later, her head aching and her face seemingly buried in some sort of soft and very warm pillow, apparently damp from drool. She sat up and discovered in front of her a girl's body and what she thought was a pillow was something else entirely. Slowly putting the pieces together she worked out that if there was a body in front of her then she must be sitting on the head. As Akko jumped off, Diana took one last look at the Shiny Chariot knickers she had been happily staring at the for the last twenty minutes and closed her eyes.

“Diana! Diana! Wake up, are you okay?”

Diana opened her eyes, sat up and pretended to yawn, “Oh my we must have both been rendered unconscious at the same time and for an equal duration. I wonder where everyone else went to?”

Akko looked around and shrugged, “I guess class finished and they left us to wake up in our own time.”

“Yes that appears to be the case.”

Diana got to her feet and prepared to collect her stuff when Akko pulled at her sleeve, “Diana, this is really embarrassing, but I drooled on your panties when I was asleep, will you let me dry them?”

Not one for patience Akko whipped out her white hanky and in a flash moved her hand under Diana's skirt. A beaming smile sparkled as fabric touched fabric and Akko began to rub up and down.

"Oh Akko, what are you...oh...ah...very well if you think it for the best..." 

“It's not chaffing is it?”

“N-no...”

After a couple of minutes Akko said, “Let me see if it's dry,” and proceeded to cup Diana's stately dome with her bare hand, “not there yet!” 

Resuming her friendly service Akko carried on with her chore. After a couple of minutes, by which time Diana was barely staying on her feet, Akko spoke up again, “It feels damper than ever, isn't that weird?”

“Most perplexing,” Diana managed to squeeze out her mouth as the rubbing continued, “maybe try...ahhh...one...oooh....last effort, near the front and...v-very v-v-vigourous.”

“Here?”

“My god Akko, yes right there...don't stop...oh oh...I...you....Akko...Akko...I love...I love y...I love zoo...I love zoos Akko so much...I love zoos.......I love zoooooos”

Diana's thighs released the hand it had clamped in place and removed the arms thrown tight around Akko and collapsed down on the bench breathing in the scent of realised pleasure.

“It was wetter than ever at the end Diana, weird! Anyway, I love zoos too, we should go to one, I don't think the others are in to them, so let's make it just us two.”

As she looked up Diana smiled and regained her voice, “Yes that sounds wonderful Akko, really wonderful.”

“Cool, I've got to go, don't forget your book, you know you and me are a bit like the characters the teacher read out, isn't that weird!”

With that Akko bundled her things in her bag and skipped down the steps and out the classroom. Sucy was waiting across from the door and looked with puzzlement at Akko holding her handkerchief up to her nose and inhaling deeply.

“How'd it go?” Sucy asked with her usual detachment.

“A date to the zoo, you're a genius Sucy!” Akko said as they started to walk down the corridor

“It's like a pride of lions bringing down a gazelle, you need to tire it out and then go for the jugular,” following a little chuckle she resumed, “remember you still owe me and Amanda, it wasn't easy to set things up, forging a note to Finellan, tipping off Wangari to a big story, we got lucky with the book though...”

As Sucy laughed at their luck it became clear Akko was lost in her own world. A witch like cackle came from Akko's direction, proceeding a smile of pure mischief that stretched under devilish red eyes.

“You're a naughty girl Diana Cavendish, a very naughty girl, but you're my naughty girl...all mine!”


End file.
